


Of Preschools and Physics Students

by agirlfromthestars



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Adult Number Five | The Boy, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Asexual Number Five | The Boy, Child Abuse, Creepy The Handler (Umbrella Academy), F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Human Dolores (Umbrella Academy), Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, No Incest, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Number Five | The Boy in an Adult Body, Number Five | The Boy-centric, Past Child Abuse, SINCE WHEN DID THIS HAVE A PLOT, Slow Burn, Sporadic Updates, The Hargreeves (Umbrella Academy) Need a Hug, accidental atla reference, can you tell I can't write kids, that has no bearing on the story I just felt the need to specify, this was supposed to be a oneshot but it turned into a multichap???, this was supposed to be funny but it turned into angst???
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-06
Updated: 2020-11-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:33:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27394285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agirlfromthestars/pseuds/agirlfromthestars
Summary: Odysseus Hargreeves - more commonly known as Five, because really, what kind of name is Odysseus - is a college student. He's a genius, and will go on to be almost as well known as Albert Einstein, but for now all he really wants is a decent cup of coffee, a full night's sleep, and a way to ask out his crush.This is the story of how he rather unwillingly finds himself watching his friend Grace's preschool class.
Relationships: Dolores & Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Dolores/Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy), Minor or Background Relationship(s), Number Five | The Boy & David "Dave" Katz, Number Five | The Boy & Dr. Pogo, Number Five | The Boy & Elliott Gussman, Number Five | The Boy & Eudora Patch, Number Five | The Boy & Grace Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy & Kenny (Umbrella Academy), Number Five | The Boy & Kenny's Mom, Number Five | The Boy & Lila Pitts, Number Five | The Boy & The Hargreeves (Umbrella Academy), Number Five | The Boy (Umbrella Academy) & Everyone, Raymond Chestnut & Number Five | The Boy, Sissy Cooper & Number Five | The Boy
Comments: 17
Kudos: 74





	Of Preschools and Physics Students

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ford_Ye_Fiji](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ford_Ye_Fiji/gifts).



> This is the most random thing I've ever done. Also, this is in no way an accurate depiction of preschool. Also, what are developmental stages???? God, I don't know. I describe these kids as toddlers and then write them as adding numbers in the -teens. This is Ford_Ye_Fiji's fault, they enabled me. This was supposed to be fluff.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five Hargreeves, college student extraordinaire, meets his match.

"Grace," Five announced drunkenly, "I would do anything for you."

Grace Callahan, who he could normally drink under the table but had opted not to drink this fine evening, looked on, amused. "I'm not sure you know quite what you're saying, honey," she said in a Texan drawl. "You know too well I'd take you up on that."

Five grasped her hands in his own and looked at her very seriously. "Grace Calla- Calla-"

"Callahan, honey," said Grace, who rather looked like she was enjoying herself.

"Grace Callabungle," Five continued as if he hadn't heard her, "I would do _anything_ for you. Like, _anything_ anything."

Dolores, who was only a little tipsy instead of full-on buzzed, watched, puzzled. "I didn't take him for an affectionate drunk," she told their fourth friend, a man everyone called Pennycrumb (his real name was an ongoing mystery they were trying to figure out. Pennycrumb adamantly refused to tell them). Despite being Five's childhood friend, Dolores had never really seen him like that (Five was too afraid he'd blurt out something he'd come to regret).

Pennycrumb, a human golden retriever, looked like he desperately wanted to say something cutting but was too nice to.

"Well," Grace was saying, "I've been having trouble trying to find a substitute for tomorrow. Apparently, word of my 'unruly' class has gotten around. Maybe you could do it?"

Even through the alcohol, Five's face morphed into panic. He, too, had heard horror stories about class 7A. "Wait, no-"

Grace patted him on the head patronizingly. "I'll tell them you're coming!"

Five looked at Dolores despairingly as Grace waltzed out of the room. She smiled at him sweetly. "You had it coming."

* * *

Five woke up with many regrets.

He groaned as he stumbled into the living room of the ratty apartment he shared with Pennycrumb (Five had a rather hefty inheritance from his asshole father, but he was adamantly refusing to use it unless the situation got dire - i.e., that one week where they'd eaten nothing but bad takeout when Five had gotten fired for cursing out a Karen at his job). "What happened last night?" he asked, squinting into the dimness. He visibly brightened once the coffee hit his nose. "You're a godsend, Pennycrumb."

"Thank you," said the man in question, taking a dramatic bow. "As for what happened, you got shitfaced drunk in celebration of acing your midterms and Grace roped you into substituting for her class."

A necessary aside, reader: Five Hargreeves was many things in his time. One thing he was most decidedly _not_ was good with children. This may have been partly because of his upbringing, but it was mostly because he was an introvert with a limited social life who was way too invested in trying to decode time travel (which worked, eventually, but that was beside the point). He eventually figured out how to interact with small humans, but that came later.

Pennycrumb snorted at Five's face. "Cheer up, dude," he said, patting his friend on the shoulder. "They can't be all bad, can they? Besides, think about it: you can totally impress Dolores with your skill with kids."

"I don't _have_ any skill with kids, Pennycrumb," Five snapped, who was an asshole when he wasn't drunk. "There's nothing to impress with. Besides, why would I want to impress her?" He blinked confusedly at Pennycrumb's knowing look.

"Well, you're going to have to do it anyway," said Pennycrumb resolutely. "I gave Grace your information so she could fill out all the forms. Now you have to go."

"WHAT?!" Five shrieked.

"It'll be good for you!" Pennycrumb hurried to reassure. "You're way too awkward with kids. I actually think my younger siblings are a little afraid of you."

Five was temporarily derailed from his rage. "That was an accident! You _know_ not to bring people near me when I do all-nighters without coffee!"

"You threatened to gouge their eyeballs out with a fork!"

Five blushed. "Whatever. What time do I need to be there?"

Pennycrumb glanced at the clock. "In about ten minutes."

A beat.

"God, I hate you."

* * *

In the end Five managed to get to Crescent Park Preschool on time at the expense of a poor guy's cabbage stall. Whatever, he'd pay for it later. Prying his white knuckles from the wheel, he hurried into the modest building and smiled nervously at the woman at the front desk. "Oh, you must be Grace's substitute!" she gushed. "Such a handsome young man! I must say, it was rather brave of you to volunteer for this. Class 7A is full of sweethearts, but they're a bit hard to manage at times."

Five's already fake smile became a little more strained. "Uh, yeah. Thanks."

The woman seemed to sense his nervousness and smiled sympathetically. "Here's your class list and the lesson plan, dear. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get out alive." She chuckled, and Five laughed along with her - at least his exposure to high society when he was younger was helping with something. He took the papers and took a deep breath.

When Five stepped into the room, there was already a little girl there with an impatient-looking mother. She looked up, and annoyance followed by relief flashed across her face. "Oh, thank God you're here. Vanya?" The little girl turned to her with an unnaturally solemn expression on her face. Five raised his eyebrow. " _Be good_."

"Yes, mama."

The woman pressed an insincere kiss to Vanya's hair and hurried out. Vanya looked up at Five. "Are you our sub-toot teacher?"

"Substitute," Five corrected, startling himself with his own gentleness. He knew what it was like to have unloving parents. "Yes, I am. What's your name?"

"Vanya!" said the girl, perking up a bit.

Five cast a look down to his sheet. "Vanya Ivanov?"

Vanya nodded with mock seriousness that Five found heart-melting. "Well, what do you do when you wait for the others to arrive?"

"I like to read," she said.

Five smiled involuntarily. This was a little girl after his own heart. "What do you like to read?"

Vanya considered this question with far more importance than was necessary. Then she pointed at the bookshelf. "The Giving Tree! Miss Callahan always reads us that!"

"Well, I supposed I could read it to you," said Five, whose skills at reading things aloud were not the best, as most of the things he read aloud were passages from textbooks in class. As he settled into the cushy armchair, Vanya sat at his feet and fixed him with a look of such interest that he almost wanted to hug her. " _Once there was a tree_ …"

The other students arrived as he was reading, and he often had to pause to mark them down as present, and they almost always interrupted with comments of their own. He tried his best to chastise them but gave up around the time little Diego Fernandez declared that the boy in the story was being a big bully and he would never be like that and the entire class agreed. Speaking of the entire class… "Do any of you know where Lila Pitts is?"

"She's _always_ late," said Luther Smith, rolling his eyes. "She's crazy."

Diego hit him. "Don't talk 'bout her like that!"

Soon enough they were engaged in a brawl the rest of the class watched with wide eyes. Klaus Becker, however, was cheering. "Hit him! Hit him!"

"Klaus!" Five said in perhaps a too-sharp voice, and the little boy flinched away from him with wide eyes. _Oh, shit. I know that look_. "Sorry," he said quickly, patting Klaus on the head. Klaus stared at him as Five desperately tried to pry Diego off of Luther, but Luther just _had_ to choose that time to accidentally punch Benjamin Myung, who burst into tears. Benjamin seemed to be liked by the entire class, as everything went silent until Cecilia Cooper (who had insisted everyone call her Sissy) started yelling at Luther, which triggered more crying from some of the softer-spoken children (Raymond Chestnut, Vanya, Kenneth Carter who had been affectionately referred to as Kenny by his overbearing mother) and more yelling from everyone else. It was an absolute disaster. Five was pretty sure his eardrums were about to burst.

"My, my, what _is_ going on here?" came a voice Five knew too well. His stomach turned to stone.

Of course, he'd suspected the moment he'd read Lila's last name on the list, but he'd refused to entertain the possibility. The entire class froze as Five looked up, coming face-to-face with Hannah Pitts, colloquially known as the Handler around the Harvard campus and quietly referred to as a she-demon by people who were brave enough. Five had once called her this to her face and had lived to regret it.

_Show no fear_. "Hi, Mrs. Pitts," he said. "I'm the substitute teacher."

The Handler looked around with an eyebrow raised. "Well, you're not doing a very good job of it, are you?"

"Hey!" said Vanya. "Mr. Hargreeves is a very good teacher!"

She quivered as the Handler pinned her with a glare and sat back down. "Well, I suppose I'd be remiss to comment on certain people's teach abilities…" she said slowly. "I was just here to drop off my dear Lila."

Lila glared fiercely at Five. Jesus, since when had the Handler had a _daughter_? How fucked up was she?

"Bye, bye, darling," said the Handler. "I'll see you in the afternoon, all right?"

"Bye, mum," said Lila with a startlingly British accent. Since when… you know what? Five was _not_ going to think about it. He was only substituting this damn class for a day. Getting attached and invested would be a mistake. He'd have to distance himself from Vanya - that was his first mistake.

"Alright, everyone," said Five with little to no patience in his tone. "Luther, you were being mean to Lila. Diego, we can defend the honor of a friend without hitting them. Sissy, you can calmly _ask_ for Luther to apologize instead of yelling. Luther, apologize to Benjamin, Diego, and Lila. Diego, apologize to Luther."

"Uh, Mr. Hargreeves?" came a small voice. Five turned to see Benjamin staring up at him with dark eyes that could have brought someone to their knees. "I'm just Ben."

Five nodded, trying to compose himself, and glared at each involved child until Diego sighed loudly. "I'm sorry, Luther."

"For what?" Five prompted.

Diego glared. "For hitting him."

"And why is that bad?"

Diego actually looked abashed this time. "Because I might've hurt him?"

"Very good," said Five, nodding decisively. He'd never thought those children's psychology books he'd bought to dissect his childhood would actually come in helpful one day, but here they all were. "Luther?"

"I'm sorry for hitting you, Diego," said Luther quietly. "Sorry for accidentally hitting you, Ben. Sorry for being mean to you, Lila."

Five sighed in relief. That had been settled with minimum resistance from all sides - a win in his book. He checked the lesson plan. _8:00-8:15: Morning Tubs_. There was a little explanation scribbled down, which was good, because Five hadn't exactly had a normal schooling experience and thus had no idea what Morning Tubs were. "Alright, everyone, get an activity from the morning tubs," said Five. "Show it to me when we're done, okay?"

He was reasonably sure that preschool didn't exactly have grades, but Grace's notes said that the students always showed her their work, and he would rather not break their schedule. He sighed quietly as everyone ran to the tubs and picked out their activities. Luckily, everyone had learned their lesson from the Luther and Diego incident, so no fights over activities broke out. He pulled out his phone and texted Grace.

_how the FUCK do you deal with these kids_

_having problems already?_

_yes!!! what the fuck!!! Luther Smith and Diego Fernandez got into a fight already!_

_already? that's a new record. those two are always duking it out over something lol_

_did u know that the she-demon's Lila Pitts's mom?_

_oh shit sorry I forgot to tell you_

_its fine_

_listen u don't have to teach the afternoon class I'll be there_

_thank god_

_they're not that bad_

_…_

_good luck! im sure Dolores will be v impressed_

_why is everyone making this about Dolores???_

_extra incentive to not be mean_

_about that. ive already noticed some signs of abuse_

_yeah. there's not much I can do for them, unfortunately. I try to give the poor kids a good time._

_I have to go. sorry._

_yeah._

Five sighed and tilted his head back, throwing his arm over his eyes. God, that was depressing. He could tell Grace didn't feel good about it. Klaus and Vanya didn't deserve it. "Mr. Hargreeves?" came a small voice.

Five tilted his head down to look at Allison Ryans, a small dark-skinned girl who was currently giving him a very sweet look. "Elliott stole my stickers."

"I did not!" protested small Elliott Gussman, who currently had an alien sticker on his cheek. "I was just borrowing them!"

"You have to give them back," Allison said very sternly. "They were _mine_ and you didn't ask."

Elliott sighed. "Sorry, Allison," he said sulkily, handing them back to her.

"That was very mature of you, Allison," Five complimented, and he didn't miss the way she lit up like a Christmas tree. He'd had to mature beyond his years when he was younger too. "Elliott, can you explain to me why we don't steal things?"

Elliott pouted, but seeing no remorse on Five's face, obliged. "'Cause it's against the law?"

"And?"

"Because it hurts people's feelings?"

"Very good," said Five, trying to keep the sarcasm out of his tone and mostly succeeding. Allison eyed him but didn't say anything, thank goodness.

"Mr. Hargreeves!" called Dave Katz, who was playing with Klaus. They seemed like good friends. That was good; Five didn't know where he would be without the support system Pennycrumb, Grace, and especially Dolores had provided during his teenage years. "We need help!"

Five sighed for what felt like the umpteenth time and went over to see what was wrong.

In the end, Five made it through Morning Tubs without much fuss. He checked the schedule; it said _8:15-8:25: Circle Time_. Apparently, they were supposed to do something called Calendar Time and then Five had to read _The Cat in the Hat_ to them. Five read the details of Calendar Time with growing dread. "Okay," he said with false cheeriness in his voice, going over to the daily schedule hung on the whiteboard. "It's time for Calendar Time!" He moved the magnet down to the Circle Time square.

"We get to sing!" Klaus cheered as all the kids sat.

Five's smile was the fakest yet. "That's right, Klaus! Now, everyone sing with me…"

_Thirty days in September,_

_April, June, and November!_

_All the rest have thirty-one,_

_except February alone!_

It was short and sweet, but Five felt like he'd just ran a sixty miles with how hot his face was. He pulled his hands down from where they'd been waving awkwardly in dance and grinned painfully at class 7A. "Okay, now it's time to choose the classroom helpers!"

Everyone perked up and Five felt some of his discomfort melt away. It was just a song and dance, and it was only for a day. He just had to keep reminding himself of that, and he would get through the hours just fine.

He walked over to the glass jar with slips of paper in it and gave it a good shake before pulling out one, feeling the anticipation come over despite himself. In barely-legible scrawl was 'Sissy'. "Our first classroom helper is… wait for it… SISSY COOPER!" Five bellowed at the top of his lungs. The class erupted in cheers and to his surprise, Vanya actually leaned over and kissed Sissy smack on the cheek. Five shook his head, amused. He shook the jar again and pulled out a second slip of paper. "Our second classroom helper is… drumroll, please…" The class happily obliged; he guessed Grace didn't do this very often and couldn't bring himself to feel bad for disrupting her schedule when he saw the bright smiles on their faces. "LILA PITTS!"

Lila actually squealed a little; she seemed to have forgotten to hate him as she ran over and hugged Five's leg. Five felt like he was going to die; these little kids were so innocent. Sissy, already eager to prove her worth as a classroom helper, handed Five _The Cat in the Hat_ book with a bright smile.

After the read aloud was over, it was time for _8:25-9:15: Centers_. Five moved the magnet on the daily schedule down as the kids all dispersed into their own little groups: Luther, Allison, Raymond, and Elliott; Diego, Klaus, Dave, and Lila; Eudora, Vanya, Kenneth, and Sissy.

Five, once again, elected to be irresponsible and opened his phone as soon as everyone was situated.

_hi, lola_

_five! hey! how're you holding up?_

_a fight broke out in the first five minutes of class_

_as well as can be expected, I guess_

_lol_

_we all know ur a big softie ur loving this don't even lie_

_:( u know me too well_

_should u be texting during class?_

_probably not_

_FIVE OH MY GOD LOOK AFTER THE TODDLERS IN YOUR CARE_

_everything's fine_

_…_

_five?_

_five?_

_r u there?_

_I hope ur ok_

Five had glanced up from his phone to find absolute pandemonium.

Allison and Vanya were fighting over a doll, and it seemed the entire classroom had taken sides. Luther and Diego were once again engaged in a fistfight, but this time Elliott and even the shy Kenny had joined in, making it look like one of those cartoonish fights with a big smoke cloud. Sissy was once again yelling, and Lila unceremoniously jumped into the chaos, looking like she was having the absolute time of her life. Klaus was cheering again, but this time Dave was too, and Raymond and Ben looked like they would rather be anywhere else. "THE DOLL'S NAME IS LEONARD AND HE'S A VERY NICE MAN!" Vanya screamed at the top of her lungs.

"THE DOLL'S NAME IS HAROLD AND HE'S THE VILLAIN AGAINST PRINCESS PEACH!" Allison screamed with the same amount of volume, waving the Princess Peach doll around, as if that would do anything.

Klaus, who seemed like he wanted to cause problems, snatched the Princess Peach doll right out of Allison's hands and started running around the room, destroying any semblance of organization there was. Vanya and Allison looked at each other and nodded before running after Klaus, the Leonard/Harold doll forgotten.

Five just sat there, slack jawed, before he jumped into action.

He quickly scooped up the Leonard/Harold doll and plucked Princess Peach right out of Klaus's hands and put them on the highest shelf. The girls and Klaus instantly started crying, but that was better than fighting, right? He waded into the crazy that was the fight between the boys and pried Diego off of Luther - successfully, this time - and, while holding them apart, which took a lot more strength than he'd thought, gave a wordless yell to get Elliott and Kenny to stop punching each other.

Everyone paused.

"What," said Five, sounding so dangerous he didn't recognize his own voice, "is going on here?"

Everyone instantly looked guilty. _God, I don't even want to be here_ , Five thought hysterically. _I'm in no way equipped to handle this_!

Five looked around. Ben and Raymond looked like they hadn't gotten involved, so he looked at Raymond and said, "Raymond, what happened?"

Ray swallowed. "Uh, well, Vanya had this doll, and she was playing with it, even though we can't play during Centers. Allison saw her and started playing too, except after a minute she needed a villain, and she asked Vanya if she could use her doll. Vanya said that Leonard was a nice man, but Allison wanted to call him Harold. Everyone took sides, and, uh, that's it."

Five sighed and glared at Luther and Diego. "If I let you guys go, will you stop fighting?" he asked sternly.

Luther gulped and nodded. Diego still looked moody, but he agreed too.

Five chanced a glance at the clock. It was only 8:30; they still had thirty-five minutes until Centers was over. Five rubbed his temples. "Everyone go back to your activities. Allison? Vanya? Can we talk?"

Both girls looked terrified as they came over. _Definitely abused_ , Five thought resignedly. "Vanya? Can you tell me why you were playing with your doll during Centers?"

Vanya blushed. "I was bored," she whispered. "I didn't get the blocks right so I started to play."

"Allison? Why did you copy Vanya when you knew it was wrong."

Allison looked away stubbornly. Five sighed; this was going to take a while. "Vanya, you can go. Don't do it again, okay? I know it may not seem like it, but what you're learning is very important for your future, okay? Next time, if you don't understand something, ask three classmates, then ask me."

Vanya nodded eagerly, seeming relieved to get away without harsh punishment, and scampered back to Sissy and Kenny.

Five knelt to look at Allison. "Allison," he said gently, "I'm not going to hurt you, okay? I just want to know why you copied Vanya and why you didn't use conflict resolution like you did with Elliott."

Allison clenched and unclenched her fists, which looked adorable on a toddler. "Why do you care?"

"Because it's my responsibility to take care of you for today, and I don't want to get in trouble," said Five immediately. Allison didn't seem like she would appreciate sappy (and false) sentiments.

The tactic worked. Allison relaxed and sighed dramatically. "I thought if Vanya could get away with it, so could I," she said.

Five nodded seriously. "But you _knew_ it was wrong, Allison," he pressed.

Allison looked angry. "Daddy doesn't care what I do as long as I don't mess up in front of his guests!"

Five felt like he was going to throw up. This 'Daddy' sounded a lot like Reginald during Five's younger years. "Yeah, but I'm not your daddy, and neither is Grace," he said. "We care about you, and we want you to be good so that you can be successful. Do you understand?"

Allison nodded, abashed, and went over to Vanya. They stared at each other for a second before hugging. Ah, youth. One of their peers could murder someone in front of them and they'd forget about it in two minutes as long as it meant they kept their playmate.

Five picked his phone back up to find a worried Dolores had been spamming him.

_relax, lola. im fine_

_oh thank god I got worried_

_just some schoolyard drama lol_

_keep a better eye on them this time, all right?_

_right_

Five walked around the room, gently correcting grammar and math and trying to be helpful. Everyone seemed a lot calmer, and the energy that had hummed around the room beforehand seemed to have disappeared. Maybe the kids of 7A used anger and fights as outlets, and that was why they had such a bad reputation. Five found himself trying to figure out how he could help them and planning out a long-term roadmap in his head before remembering he was only teaching for one day and wasn't supposed to get attached.

So much for that.

Eventually Centers ended, and Five, with the encouragement of the class, moved the magnet on the daily schedule from Centers to _9:15-9:40: Writing_. Pulling out the surprisingly heavy Handwriting Without Tears books, he quickly called Sissy and Lila to distribute them to each student. It seemed today they were going over their Ss. "How many people know how to draw an eight?" Five asked and was pleasantly surprised when every hand went up; it seemed Grace had put numbers before letters. "Good, because Ss are easy. They're just eights cut in half!" He drew on the board to demonstrate and grinned when Luther gasped happily as he successful wrote a wobbly capital S.

"I did it!"

"Good job, Luther!" said Five, pleased he could actually compliment the big blonde boy about something in his substitute report. Luther preened under the praise.

Diego, ever eager to show Luther up, quickly drew a S and frowned when it looked more like a scribble. "Diego, it's not a race," Five said gently. "I don't care if you take ten or twenty minutes, I only care that you get it right."

Diego blushed and kept practicing.

Soon it seemed most of the class was successful in their Ss; Klaus and Kenny needed more practice. Speaking of Kenny, Five had a strong suspicion he was autistic and resolved to speak with his mother about it. Just because he would never see these kids again didn't mean he couldn't do everything he could to help them in the moment.

Next was _9:40-10:10: Recess_. Five moved the magnet as the kids cheered; unfortunately, it was raining, so that meant they couldn't go outside. They didn't have board games for fear one of the kids would eat the pieces, so Five let them play with the blocks in the morning tubs and the dolls. He raised an eyebrow at where Allison and Vanya were, and they both blushed heavily.

Five flipped open his phone again, but this time he kept half an eye on the proceedings.

_its recess so no ones bothering me. we can talk now_

_so hows it going? any disasters you haven't told me?_

_many which I don't have the liberty of sharing_

__its a secret_ _

__oh no u r attached_ _

_don't remind me_

_well? who r the hell students?_

_there r eleven_

_Luther smith is big blond and a bit dumb not gna lie. v sweet tho. tries 2 protect the gals_

_Lila Pitts is a feral child. Diego tries to impress her_

_diego is angry. all the time_

_Allison seems to think she can get anything she wants as long as she doesn't embarrass her guardians_

_Klaus is an enabler. Diego and Luther r always fighting n he cheers them on_

_Cecilia has an accent just like grace. she is a Classroom Mom™_

_Benjamin pretends to be nice but is secretly savage. everyone loves him_

_vanya is shy and sweet_

_Raymond is Done With This Bullshit_

_Eudora is Classroom Mom™ #2_

_Kenneth is as normal as anyone w the name Kenneth can be_

_five omg_

_thats a little mean_

_what can I say? its all true_

_you are so horrible_

_thank you_

_why r we friends_

_bc I am a leech and u can't get rid of me_

_terrifying._

_lol_

_I believe in you! knock em dead!_

_not literally tho_

_hm_

_five._

_I was just joking!_

_the Twinkie incident??? I don't trust u anymore_

_fair point_

"Mr. Hargreeves? Mr. Hargreeves? Mr. Hargreeves?"

Five sighed and looked up. There was Eudora, blinking up at him with wide eyes. "Yes?"

She held up her knockoff police hat. "Can you play police with us?"

Five frowned and decided that this was an excellent time to lecture everyone on the corruption of police system. What? It was relevant information seeing as quite a few kids were people of color and only a few had parents that would be willing to bail them out of jail. Soon Allison and Luther wandered over, and before long the entire class was listening rapturously. Five tried to dumb most of his points down and was satisfied that they got most of it. He was actually impressed he'd kept their attention for so long.

Eudora waved her hand in the air. "Mr. Hargreeves! Mr. Hargreeves! My Daddy's a cop! Is he bad?" She looked distraught, like her whole world had been spun on its axis.

This was why he shouldn't be near children.

"No," said Five, trying to figure out how to spin it without going back on everything he'd just said. "His coworkers and the system is corrupt, not him. He's just… complicit. Does that make sense?"

Eudora nodded, looking a little better. "Can you play _princess_ with us instead?" she asked brightly.

Five cast a weary look at where Allison, Sissy, and Vanya were waiting eagerly. Somehow, poor Kenny had been roped in; he looked very confused. Five glanced at the clock; there were still ten minutes to spare. "Sure."

Klaus looked horrified. "Boys aren't supposed to play princess!"

"That's silly," said Five immediately. Training misogyny out of kids was very important. "How's Allison any different than you?"

Luther looked at Allison uncertainly; Allison lifted her chin in a silent challenge. Five tried to hide his laughter.

"I'm still not playing princess," Luther decided.

"You do you, Luther," sighed Five, a crown placed by Sissy slipping sideways.

* * *

After recess came the dreaded _10:10-10:40: Math_.

Most of the class was scowling, but Five was determined to make Math the most exciting part of the day. Call him biased, but he'd always liked math: it was logical, and as long as you knew the concepts you could figure it out. Math grounded him. It made _sense_. It distracted him from his shitty life and it was the only logical thing in an illogical world (a world where children as small and precious as those of class 7A could be abused).

Okay, so maybe he mostly liked math because it was a coping mechanism. It was still interesting, though.

"Okay, class," said Five, noticeably more cheerful, "today we're learning how to add numbers in the -teens!"

Five had never felt more energetic except when he was doing his own little physics projects and when he was with Dolores. His good mood seemed to infect the class; they all perked up and watched him intently as he tried to figure out how to use the projector and excitedly babbled about addition. God, carry-overs… this was _such_ a throwback.

He may not have done an exceptionally good job teaching the lesson, but everyone seemed to have fun as Five spun trying to find the answer as solving a good mystery. This especially seemed to captivate Diego and Eudora, who were attached at the hip.

Next was _10:40-10:50: Closing Circle_. As Five moved the magnet, Kenny immediately burst into tears and ran forward to hug his leg. "I don't want you to go!" he sobbed. "You can be my second daddy!" He looked up at Five hopefully.

_I would rather chew off my own foot_ , was Five's gut reaction (he was a fan of unusual and visceral threats). However, Kenny had been the one to get into the least amount of trouble today, and Five had found his adventures with the girls hilarious. So he just patted the kid's head and offered, "Not your Dad, kid. I'm not coming after this."

This was the wrong thing to say. Everyone looked rather horrified by this, and soon Five was surrounded by a small sea of little kids crying and trying to get to him. "Alright, alright!" he groaned, sitting down, and was immediately overrun with the small army that was class 7A. "Alright, I'll come back!"

"Thanks, Dad!" Raymond said brightly, and then he snickered.

Five sighed as he tried to pry Vanya off his chest to no avail. He stared at the ceiling (for he was currently on his back) and decided he was just going to stay there. It had been a very trying day and for the life of him Five didn't know how Grace went through this process twice. "I'm going to take a nap," he announced. "You guys are free to join me, as I'm smart enough to know that you're probably not going to get off of me anytime soon. Be warned: it will ruin your sleep schedule." Content with this warning and forgetting that preschoolers had no idea what sleep schedules were, Five closed his eyes and passed out, which was a small miracle considering his headache from his hangover was still going strong and had only gotten worse since the morning.

Yeah, Five had gone through all of this on a _hangover_. He was _suffering_.

Soon enough everyone settled down to sleep.

"Hello? Five?" came a muffled voice from beyond the door. Grace worried cracked it opened, but that all melted away as a huge smile took its place. "Oh, Five," she whispered. The classroom was in ruin, but everyone looked rather content - and look at that! Diego was even curled into Luther! How adorable!

Grace took out her phone and snapped a picture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me, headcanoning five calls dolores 'lola' when he's serious: oh no ive made myself emo  
> me, remembering the handwriting without tears curriculum: oh no ive made myself nostalgic  
> me, making five + lola physically intimate even tho they're not dating yet: oh no im projecting  
> also all of five's classes are after twelve so substituting isn't a problem.
> 
> this is the link I used for the schedule: https://www.pre-kpages.com/class_schedule/
> 
> Class List so I don't forget:
> 
> Luther Smith  
> Lila Pitts  
> Diego Fernandez  
> Allison Ryans  
> Klaus Becker  
> Cecilia Cooper  
> Benjamin Myung  
> Vanya Ivanov  
> Raymond Chestnut  
> Eudora Patch  
> Kenneth Carter
> 
> unseen text convo in the group chat afterward:
> 
> Grace:  
> [image sent]
> 
> I told u guys he would do well!!!
> 
> Dolores:  
> I, for one, never doubted him
> 
> Pennycrumb:  
> I, for one, had many doubts
> 
> Grace:  
> well, he came thru, didn't he? our little psychos actually good with kids! who woulda thunk?
> 
> Pennycrumb:  
> not me
> 
> Grace:  
> Dolores? what do you think?
> 
> Dolores:  
> its cute :)
> 
> Grace:  
> anything more than that?
> 
> Dolores:  
> no? why?
> 
> Pennycrumb:  
> SEE GRACE I TOLD YOU
> 
> THEYRE BOTH OBLIVIOUS IDIOTS
> 
> Dolores:  
> what r u guys talking about
> 
> Grace:  
> this is truly a tragedy. smh smh


End file.
